I was driving home from work the other day, laughing and singing with Logan in the car. Then, all of a sudden I was back in that room. Dad’s breathing was labored. The beeping machines were slowing. I knew everyone was crying but to me there was deafening silence. There was a cloud of darkness, mixed somehow with the light of hope.
I drew a deep breath and forced myself out of the memory and back to the present.
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Somehow it still doesn’t feel real. We are nearing the black line in my life’s timeline – the time that one year ago we received the news that rocked our worlds and changed everything forever.
Some days, I’ll be a bit more emotional than others. Some days, I’ll go without consciously thinking “He’s gone.”
Some days, I fall into dark and painful memories.
I was trying to explain to my husband that these flashbacks honestly feel like some sort of PTSD, where I have to claw my way back out of a deep dark hole. It’s so painful that I force my mind to shut off so that I don’t remember it.
I don’t want to feel the deep pain of grief, it is too much to bear. But I’m learning that if I completely shut it out, it causes me to go backwards in my journey. I am more susceptible to the downward spiral of negativity and depression, I’m short, I lash out more, I can’t look at pictures of my dad.
When I make time to grieve, it’s like the dam of emotions releases and evens out again. The pain is still there, but it’s not as overpowering.
It sounds to odd to “schedule time to grieve,” and the first time I heard it in my GriefShare class I thought it was crazy. But between work, being a mom, spending time with my husband, being with family, caring for our home – there’s not a whole lot of time or energy left for grief.
Because grief is work.
Those first few weeks and months after an intense loss can be debilitating, numbly going about your business attempting to find your bearings.
But the difficulty doesn’t reach a peak and then go downhill for good, in my experience. There are triggers, seasons that seem more painful than others, or just plain old hard days.
The pain of grief ebbs and flows and if we don’t make time to feel it, we are left tense and exhausted.
I know for me, I’ll unconsciously hold back emotions, thinking I’ve got it all together but it will come out in other areas.
I don’t want to lose control. At work, I don’t want to be embarrassed or scare the kids. At church, I don’t want to ruin my makeup. When I’m alone, I am just too tired and a little scared at the intensity of my grief.
These are the things I tell myself. Can you relate?
This is where scheduling time to grieve can be so helpful. Making time to look at photos or listen to a song or just cry for a few minutes can be so healing. Having some time where there won’t be interruptions, when you’re in a safe space, can provide the freedom needed to allow yourself to feel. To let your guard down.
“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:19
If you’re experiencing heartbreak or a situation that has crushed your spirit, my encouragement for you is to make time to grieve. But don’t try to do it in your own power – the weight is too much.
Set aside time with the God of the universe, the one who is crying tears with you, the one aching to hold you as you hurt.
It’s okay if you’re angry at Him – He’s big enough to take it.
It’s okay if you don’t know what to say to Him – He knows your heart.
It’s okay if you’ve never done it before – He will meet you where you are.
Josh and I were driving home and marveling at the sunset last week.
The sun had just begun to set and a storm was rolling in. There were dark clouds off in the distance and a low lying layer of clouds that threatened to cover up the sun. From the bridge we were driving over, we could clearly see that the clouds were just a layer, that the storm coming was just temporary, that the sun was still there. But from below, you wouldn’t have had that perspective. It would have looked dark and looming, like the light wasn’t actually there anymore.
I think that is what God wants us to realize.
When a dark stormy season of life threatens to overtake us, the Son is still there. When loss, grief, pain, depression, darkness of any kind threatens to cover up the light in our lives – know that God is still at work. He is still there, in His place above it all. He sees everything from His perspective. It all passes through His hands, and He has a purpose even in this pain.
The storm is just temporary, but the Son is forever – I want to keep my focus on the right thing.
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I started writing these #griefstories as a way to process my pain and to hopefully bring some sort of empathy and hope to those who are also walking through grief. If you have experienced loss and want to share your story, please get in contact with me. I would love to pray alongside you and share your story with this community if you’d like.
Patti S Starr says
So very well written. Speaks to so many. God Bless you sweet, Anna. Love. you.
Anna says
Thank you for reading!
Kirsten says
I’d never heard that wisdom, to schedule time to grieve. But I’m in a season where grief from decades ago is causing problems in my current relationships, and wise counsel is helping me go back and allow space to grieve now what I didn’t then! Oh, if only I had given myself permission to sit in that sadness at the time! Thank you for sharing your story
Anna says
It really can pop back up and impact us in surprising ways. So glad that God is speaking to you. Praying that you feel Him sitting with you as you take time to grieve.