This last year of being new parents has really brought out some root issues in our marriage – one of them being that I have not been showing respect to my husband. As God teaches me, I want to be honest and share my journey with you all because I believe in the power of walking together in community. I’m thinking of starting a series centered around marriage, also! If that’s something you’d be interested in, leave me a note in the comments or on Instagram.
Without further ado, let’s dive right into this journey of respect!
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In last last few months my husband has mentioned a few times that he doesn’t feel I respect him. I brushed it off at first. Surely he was tired, I was tired, the baby was crying – there were reasons that my behavior was totally justified and his reaction was totally out of wack.
Right?
Wrong.
It really hit me that I didn’t respect my husband when we got into an argument over something I thought was small and the first thing that he said, rather forcefully, was “You just don’t respect me! You just don’t care!”
See, I’m always concerned with what HE is doing, how HE is saying things, how HE is making me feel. Written like that it sounds like I’m concerned about him, but really my focus is all on myself.
Instead of worrying about what I am doing, how I am responding, how I am caring for my husband’s heart, I’m all wrapped up in the business of trying to control or change or (ouch) manipulate my husband’s heart.
When we attempt to resolve something, I’ve caught myself tuning him out and prepping my speech. Or interrupting him to make a point. Or responding with my laundry list of things that he is doing wrong. Or bursting into tears in hopes that I can be seen as more important.
That was hard to admit.
Does my husband have room to grow? Sure.
Is it my job to create a plan and teach him skills and get him to the next benchmark in his growth process? Um, NO.
Teacher brain and mom thinking really get in the way sometimes. Anybody with me?!
My husband is not a child to be reared and taught and disciplined, and yet that’s what I find myself doing. Speaking the truth to him in love, with grace, is much different than the way I have been behaving.
I’m worried about him in all the ways that have to do with me instead of caring for him in all the ways that have to do with HIM.
I’m not in charge of my husband’s heart. That’s between him and God.
I am fully in charge of my own heart. I have the choice to turn to God and listen to Him and obey.
And I realize that I have been completely disobedient to my heavenly Father and need to repent.
Ephesians 5:33 doesn’t just say that husbands must love their wives, it also says that the wife “must respect her husband.”
1 Peter 3:1-6 is probably one of my favorite reminders and it is also the most convicting to me. I love the language The Message Version uses to remind us that it is our hearts that we are in charge of – that our hearts (which drive our actions) are not only what make us beautiful, but are also what will soften our husbands to the Words of Jesus!
The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.
Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as “my dear husband.” You’ll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.
This reminder that our beauty comes from our “inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” I used to think that this meant women had to be quiet, mousy, never speaking their minds. I think at times, Jesus calls us to quietness – stillness, so that we can hear His voice and so that we can hear our husbands’ heart. It’s a sign of strength in Him.
As James 1:19 so bluntly puts it,
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
When I’m slow to listen and quick to speak, I don’t hear the cries of my husband’s heart. I don’t hear his needs, I speak my own. It’s a recipe for hurt.
Ephesians 4:32
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 5:1-2
Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
The Bible doesn’t say “respect when you feel like it, because he’s earned it, because it will get you what you want.”
God’s Word just says RESPECT him. Love him like Jesus loves you. Without cause. With total abandon. Especially when he messes up. Covered in grace.
I’m reading Love Unending by Becky Thompson and love having a bite-sized thing to tackle each day and every day with my husband. I was so convicted by the respect chapter where she says,
“We respect our husbands not because of who they are but also because of who we are, and we are women who want to hold ourselves to the highest standard.”
We are called to a higher standard by our Savior. Jesus DIED so that we could have the freedom to live in love. Living any other way puts Him to shame.
I love that Becky focuses on our tone in speaking to our husbands. I think the concept of respecting our spouse is so broad and can be overwhelming. While it’s important to respect our husbands in all aspects, we have to start somewhere and if we are consciously focused on our tone of voice when we talk to them, I think the other areas will have a chance at resolution in time as well.
I have to admit that I have always been quick to speak and slow to listen. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written the verse above as well as pretty much every other verse in the Bible dealing with respect. It’s something God has been weeding out of my heart for a long time.
Marriage (and motherhood!) magnify our weaknesses which can be defeating! But. They also provide endless opportunities for God’s strength to be revealed in our weakness. It gives a chance to really walk in the grace of Jesus as we grow.
I am excited to get to work watching my tone with my husband. I know that the kids and the job and the endless to do list and the past hurts buried in my heart can affect my tone easily. But the man I pledged to love all my days is more important that any of that.
Lord, rid our hearts of past hurts and bitterness. Fill us with love for our husbands and help us to speak out of THAT overflow. Show us how to give him the best of us, not what’s left of us. We love you.
Wedding photos by the amazing Carson Thacker Photography.
Patty says
💕 wise and wonderful words. Thank you.
Stephanie says
Beautiful