I had a realization a few mornings ago, while I was standing in the kitchen surveying the mountain of dishes that had somehow accumulated again.
I need to break up with Monica.
Now, let me explain. First of all, I’m a big FRIENDS fan. As in, owned all the seasons before they hit Netflix and can tell you what scenes were cut out to make them fit into the Netflix time constraint. Second of all, I’ve been feeling a shift in me in the last few months (well really, since finding out I was going to be a mama) – it didn’t come on all of a sudden.
When my group of friends first watched the show, we started labeling each other. Our group of 6 has one of each of the characters, naturally. And I’ve always been Monica.
Ultra organized, loves to clean, lays in bed wondering if she picked up her shoes, Monica. (I also married my Chandler, but that’s another story.)
Annnyyways.
I’ve always wanted to be good at something. To be known for something. In high school, I used to tell my parents that I wasn’t good at anything other than getting good grades. I wasn’t great at sports, I was only okay in music, but I was really good at getting straight A’s. So I worked at it, really hard. I obsessed over being Valedictorian as if it would make a difference.
In college, it was alot of the same.
When I graduated and got my first teaching job, again, with the obsessing. I made myself sick over being the best and having the best materials and doing all the Pinterest things. Looking back, I think my teaching was actually worse in a way because I was so concerned with perfection rather than progress.
When Josh and I got engaged, I was in the midst of teaching two classes of preschoolers, organizing a children’s church ministry, and trying to get the hang of a new apartment and town.
When we got married, I switched jobs (literally started two days after our wedding), took on more with the children’s ministry, and started trying to meld our lives and make a home.
That’s a lot for anyone, but I’m now realizing that it was a crazy amount of things for someone who leans toward the crazy end of perfectionist to take on at once! 😉
I ran myself into the ground in every area of my life, not really enjoying the days, just trying to get through them.
Anyone relate?
I was so concerned with doing things the best way possible and researching how to do them in the best way possible that I missed the actual best things in my life for a time.
I think that was why finding out we were (surprise!) pregnant took me so long to work through. (That’s a whole other post!)
I physically, emotionally, (hormonally!), spiritually, mentally could not keep going as I had been and carry my baby healthily.
I had to learn how to eat better and take better care of my body for the right reasons, rather than out of guilt.
I had to learn to sit down and rest when my brain said I had to finish my to do list.
I had to learn to let things go instead of feeling guilt over them.
I had to learn to take time for me instead of saying yes to everything.
Looking back, I can see that this break up has been coming for a long time. I’ve been feeling some tension over it though, some push back from somewhere in me.
But I want to be Monica. I want people to look at me and see put together, clean, organized, capable.
Did I mention that I also planned our entire DIY wedding somewhere in that timeline above? Yeah. That was crazy, and yet another example of my perfectionist brain at work. I’m still working through emotions about our gorgeous day because they didn’t go the way I planned – because I was afraid people would judge me or not see me as the person I’d set out to be so long ago. I thought people would see the little mishaps as failure or that they would somehow be upset with me for not simultaneously perfectly executing and enjoying my wedding day.
And now that I’ve stepped out and started this blog, I’m overwhelmed all over again! I see beautifully styled photos and cool site setups and bloggers who just have it all together. I have so much to learn still, and it’s so tempting to fall into the comparison trap and work myself ragged trying to be like or be liked by others. I want people to like this space. I want people to like what I have to say.
I’ve started to admit to myself the pattern in my life that God has been showing me has been present since high school (and probably before).
“I want people to”
I want people to see what I want them to see.
I want people to believe what I put in front of them.
I want people to accept me.
I want people to love me.
I want people to be happy with me.
I want people to like me and what I have to say.
I want people to see Monica.
A clean, organized, perfect life.
But that’s not real life. And that’s not real community.
In the first chapter of Galatians, Paul gets right to the point telling the believers that the so-called gospel of the people around them was actually no gospel at all and was the opposite of what Christ had taught. He goes on to say in verse 10,
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
He wants them to know that his strong stance on the gospel isn’t because he wants to manipulate them, but rather because he is concerned with living out his purpose as a servant of Jesus.
If I line up all my people pleasing and perfectionist patterns with the truth of the gospel, it just doesn’t work.
As Paul points out, I can’t try to please people AND be a servant of Christ.
It just can’t be my focus.
And it can’t be your either. If we are truly concerned with the things of God, then we have to be okay with being different, even cast aside. We have to be okay with the world not understanding where we are coming from.
I know that I have a long ways to go, and I know that I will still feel some tension as God works this out in me. But I am so thankful that I get to walk in freedom – that I get to say no to guilt and people pleasing and perfection. I get to focus on what God wants me to do. I get to focus on progress, not perfection. I get to focus on loving Him and loving those He puts around me – and that includes you. I’m so thankful for this little space online and I really feel like God is growing a community of people who can learn from and teach each other as we all walk out this journey together.
Lord Jesus, thank you for being all we need. Thank you for the freedom and grace you give us. Thank you that when we focus on You and You alone, the things of earth grow strangely dim. Help us tune out the clamor to hear your voice. Teach us to break up with perfection and people pleasing. Forgive us for losing sight of You and what matters to You. Whether it’s in our relationships, homes, or jobs may we look to You for affirmation. Thank you that you aren’t finished work in and through us. Thank you for seeing who we are made to be and for declaring us good. We love you.
So, Monica. We can still be friends. You can even still encourage me to get my housework done. But I’m breaking up with you. It’s not me – it’s you.
I’m done feeling guilty instead of joyful.
I’m done worrying about my list instead of enjoying my gifts.
I’m done hiding instead of living.
I’m done comparing instead of celebrating.
I’m done with perfection over progress.
But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9
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