If we were sitting down over coffee talking about relationships, I’d share these things I’m learning on my marriage journey with you. I’m no expert, in fact sometimes I feel so massively unqualified to even write about marriage. But God keeps reminding me that marriage is something that requires constant cultivating, and that mistakes are part of growth.
We’ve crammed a lot of life into our short time as a married couple – a baby, job loss, illness, the death of my father, daily joys and trials. So many blessings and major life changes, all rolled into four short years.
I spent some time reflecting and wanted to share these 4 major lessons from our marriage journey thus far.
For more marriage posts go here.
For more on our wedding go here.
Marriage is a safe haven.
I’ve always felt safe with Josh, but I found a new level of this when my dad passed away. For awhile, I kept my grief and pain to myself. But there was such relief when I finally (literally) broke down, let him in and was honest about how I was doing.
Since I tend toward extremes, I’ve found that I need to make sure I’m going to God first and not putting unrealistic expectations on my husband. I’m also learning that treating our marriage as a safe haven means speaking the truth in love – not getting so comfortable that we treat each other with less care than we would give other relationships.
“Let’s not strive to be the Holy Spirit in someone else’s life. Speak the truth in love and stand back.” – Dale Partridge
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Marriage brings things into the light.
Marriage is not a bandaid fix to past issues. Each person brings their own set of baggage into a marriage. It’s how you deal with the issues that come up as you learn what it means to be one that shapes your future together. I don’t know about you, but over our four years of marriage I’ve realized I have a lot more baggage than I thought!
There is so much beauty in this brokenness though, when we learn to take our junk to God instead of project it on our spouse. It becomes this amazing opportunity for growth and intimacy with your spouse – as you walk this path toward wholeness and holiness together!
The marriage journey doesn’t just bring out the not so great stuff though. It also brings out new sides of you and your spouse that you’ve not experienced before. Getting to see Josh as a father, walking with him as he discovers passions and gifts he didn’t know he had, having the opportunity to be a part of his journey, watching him step up to lead our family, caring for my family when my father died – those are true gifts!
For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.
Ephesians 5:8-14
Marriage is blessing not a burden.
After the newness of your new marriage journey wears off, it’s easy to start looking at this wife role as a burden rather than a blessing from God. All of a sudden there are new responsibilities and another human around that may or may not get on your nerves sometimes.
No matter how you divide up the daily, household chores, there is also more on the to-do list – especially once you start adding littles into the mix!
God has been teaching me a lot about what living an entrusted life means – especially when it comes to my people. My husband is a gift from God that I have the joy of doing life with, even on the hard days. I have written more about this here and here, if you’d like to read more of my journey!
I don’t think anyone starts off thinking, “Oh my husband is such a burden” or they probably wouldn’t have gotten married! But it is a trap that the enemy sets in his attempts to separate us from each other and from God. Just being aware of this trap has changed my perspective so much!
When my dad was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and then gone in just a month, I think I woke up to the reality that we aren’t promised tomorrow. We are only given today – I just don’t have time to view my husband as anything other than the blessing that he is!
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
Ephesians 4:1-3
Marriage is refining.
Oh my goodness – marriage and motherhood are two of the most refining relationships I’ve ever experienced. Learning how to truly be one with my husband is something I think will probably take a life time. We are still learning how to communicate well, fight fairly, to love unconditionally.
This marriage journey takes work, a willingness to learn, a humble heart, and forgiveness.
But most of all, it requires a firm foundation.
If my love for my husband was founded in my own capacity to love, at some point it would run out. If my foundation is in my husband instead of my Savior, going through the fire would destroy me instead of refine me.
How amazing that our God would use marriage as a way to call up His people to carry out His kingdom work!
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.
1 John 4:16
Reflecting on these last four years, I am so grateful for a God who carries us. A God who loves us. A God who wants to refine us as individuals and as a couple.
And I am so thankful for my husband, who has stood beside me and walked with me on this marriage journey, encouraged me, held me, and loved me through the most difficult times of my life.
Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm,
for love is strong as death,
jealousy is fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
the very flame of the Lord.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If a man offered for love
all the wealth of his house,
he would be utterly despised.Song of Solomon 8:6-7
Happy Anniversary to us, babe!