Grieving during the holidays can make it seem like the least wonderful time of the year. Everyone around you seems happy and although you’d love to feel happy, your heart aches for the one who isn’t here anymore. No matter how many years go by, I find myself missing my Dad even more when the holidays come around. His laugh, our traditions – nothing is the same. Knowing that celebrating will never look the same again can be overwhelming and can magnify the pain you already feel.
As I move further out, the ache is still there but the fog that hung over me the first year or two of holidays has lifted. I have started to recognize the signs of “holiday grief” sneaking up on me and have been practicing grieving healthily. Here are 10 tips for navigating the holiday season with hope.
Accept that holidays will look differently.
I barely remember the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my sweet dad. He passed away suddenly at the beginning of September and by the time Thanksgiving rolled around, I was just starting to be able to clear the mental fog enough to function. I do remember feeling overwhelmed that nothing would ever be the same. It felt like such a weight. My mom has really helped me reframe that over the last couple of years, though. Nothing will ever be the same, and that’s hard. But it’s also good. It means that I had such a great dad and made such great memories with him that nothing else could measure up. I get to carry on what’s most important and share it with my own children, and that is an honor.
Set aside time to be still and feel it.
The holiday season is full of hustle and bustle, and if you’re not intentional about it your grief will sneak up on you. Don’t ignore it until after the holiday season or busy yourself so much that you don’t miss them at all. There’s nothing wrong with staying busy and keeping your mind on happy things, but you also need time to be still. You may surprise yourself at the depth of your emotions or you may recall a special memory you hadn’t thought of in a while. Give yourself permission and white space to be emotional – whether it comes out as sobs or hysterical laughter, there’s bound to be extra emotion present. Don’t be afraid to schedule yourself some time to grieve.
Take good care of yourself.
I have found that there are certain daily activities that help me stay grounded, grieving or not. When I make time to journal, walk outdoors, and talk with someone I trust I feel much more able to handle whatever life throws at me. I think these habits are all the more important when grieving during the holidays. You may not even know you need to cry until you hear that song on the radio, but if you’re taking care of yourself you’ll be able to see something like that as a sign that you need a little emotional release.
I found that it was helpful at first to make a list of actions I could take when I needed to release some pent up feelings. It may sound odd, but looking at photos and letting myself be sad actually helped because I would cry and release what I was holding on to. (also on my list: tell a friend that I was having a hard day, check in with my mom/husband/brother, walk, get outside, exercise, journal) Go for a walk, listen to music that lifts you, exercise, talk with a friend – be purposeful in releasing whatever emotion you’re feeling. Pay attention to what you are eating, how much water you’re drinking, and do what you can to get enough rest.
Learn to take inventory.
Grief is an odd journey. It surprised me how my mind and body reacted to loss. I am still caught off guard at times! I’ll begin to feel weighed down, fatigued, my muscles may ache and I start to wonder if I’m getting sick. Then, I may have a strange dream or catch myself having more negative thought patterns than usual. As I’ve trained myself to take inventory of my mind and body, I’ve come to realize that up to a few weeks before a holiday or special occasion that was important to me and my dad, I just feel off.
Learning to be more self-aware and understanding that holidays aren’t the only day you’ll feel off-balance is helpful because it helps you learn to carve out extra time for yourself when you start to feel the signs. It allows you to do what you need to do in order to feel what you feel and move forward, whether grieving during the holidays or any other day.
Its okay to not be okay.
It’s also okay to BE okay. A friend told me at the beginning of my grief journey to feel whatever you feel and that really helped. I had struggled with guilt over not trusting God more and guilt over being “distracted” by caring for my toddler while Dad was in the hospital. I was sad and angry but also at peace because I knew God had to have a plan. There are just so many emotions when you’re grieving!
Feel whatever you feel. Let the darkness wash over you for awhile, then get back up. Feel the sun on your face and enjoy the laughter of a friend or a child. It’s okay to be happy. Grief and joy can and do co-exist. I remember playing with Logan, who was about 18 months old at the time, and thinking how can I be so happy when my heart is breaking? Over time I recognized that the smiles from my sweet boy were gifts from God, allowing me to feel something other than pain if only for a moment.
The holidays are full of joy and cheer and it can be so therapeutic to enjoy all of it. There is also nothing wrong with enjoying the merriment but also carrying the weight of your loss with you. What is important is that you are showing up to your own life, on the good days and the bad. There are memories to be made and memories to be remembered, so I would encourage you to not let grieving during the holidays rob you of that!
Release yourself (and others) from expectation.
It’s okay to have bad days, and it’s okay to have good days. Stop putting expectations on yourself to feel or react a certain way. Grief hits us all differently. Grief is grief. It’s painful and it’s difficult, and because we are all unique the way that we process and walk through loss will look different. Don’t compare yourself to a family member or to another person who has lost. Allow yourself the freedom to feel what you feel and react in the way you want to react – and allow your family the same freedom. Give grace when it seems others aren’t in the same level of pain as you. Give grace to yourself when you react poorly or have an exceptionally hard day. Grieving during the holidays can be difficult to navigate, and it’s okay to remind yourself that you’ve never done this before. Grace.
One more note on expectation: you may need to give grace to those who try to help and either don’t know what to do or just always seem to say and do the wrong thing. People can say truly hurtful things when you’re grieving, and most are honestly trying to help. Letting go of expectation makes it easier to give grace and allows you to state what you need if you so desire. (Here’s a list of ways to help a grieving family that you could send as a starting point.)
Appoint a check-in person.
It can be difficult to reach out when you aren’t doing well or to respond honestly when someone asks. Often, people don’t want the real answer. It becomes easier to say you’re “fine” when you’re really not. Especially around the holidays or anniversaries that may be painful for you, decide to let a close friend or family member know how you’re doing. You could also reach out and ask them to check in periodically (you could even tell them the dates/holidays that are hardest) and promise to be honest. This helps you take inventory, can help you stay grounded, and will keep you accountable on your grieving journey.
Stay in community.
Don’t shut yourself completely away from everyone. As hard as it is, you need community. We weren’t made to walk through this life alone. The good times are better when celebrated with friends and the painful times are made bearable when sharing the weight. Whether it’s family, a small group, a support group, a Grief Share class (they have classes specifically for coping during the holidays), or even a Facebook Group find a way to stay in community. It can be difficult at first, but there is something powerful in finding out that you are not alone. That someone else understands the depths of pain you have experienced – and that they found the strength to keep going, too.
Determine which traditions to keep and which to let go.
Every family is different, and whether it’s a food, a song or an activity we all have something that is unique to our family. When part of your family is no longer there, certain traditions can just feel… wrong, broken, sad, or too painful to continue. I remember feeling like I needed to do every single tradition we’d ever had or tried to start in order to feel my Dad with me. My brother, on the other hand, just wanted to do one special thing that we’d always done and nothing else really mattered. My mom just wanted us to be together – what we did didn’t matter.
As a family, you’ll need to have a conversation. Make a list of what’s really important to you and what things were important to your loved one. Then, decide what traditions to carry on and what to let go. It’s not selfish to let go. Their presence will still be with you whether you’re doing what you’ve always done or start something new.
Try starting a new tradition.
This year, consider honoring your loved one with a new tradition. Maybe you share a lesson or memory of them around the Thanksgiving table. Perhaps you hang a stocking up for them at Christmas or purchase an ornament each year. Consider writing a letter to them or visiting a place that was meaningful to you both. You could donate the money you’d spend on their Christmas gifts to a local ministry or non-profit. You could purchase gifts for a child in foster care in their honor. Light a candle in your home to remember them or make looking at photos together part of your Christmas Eve festivities. Whatever you choose to do, know it’s alright to feel both joy and sadness.
And never forget, you are not alone.
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- sign up for the grief support email list
- join our private facebook group
- additional posts on grief
- I found the follow posts on Instagram to be really helpful. She speaks specifically to miscarriage, but the points she brings up can also be applied to other forms of loss.
- Post One
- Post Two
- Post Three